Independence Day Amusement

Happy Fourth of July, Americans! If you are not American, you can just leave, because Sam the Eagle and I are going to post TRIBUTES TO AMERICA. Like this one. You know it's patriotic because it has the word AMERICAN in the title.

...Huh. Well, that's probably part of a plot to be un-American or something. This is better. I bet that other one had problems because it was posted on the Canadian web.
 ("World wide web? Is there a way to put this on just the American part?")
 

(In very related news, The Muppets is a very good movie, and their official YouTube channel is infinitely amusing.)

I hope everyone had a happy Fourth and that wherever you were, you had a good time. Even if it wasn't for all the same reason--watching Nashville's spectacular fireworks display with a group, the amount of smoke they gave off ending up almost completely enveloping downtown (or at least it looked like it from where we were) ...and with the flashes of light from the fireworks going off, it looked like Godzilla was in that smoke somewhere, wreaking havoc on cowboy-boot-wearing honky-tonk patrons.

Six Things to Propose With Instead of Rings

Being a senior at a college (especially a Christian college), I am not a stranger to the idea of "ring before spring," which is exactly what it sounds like. I can't blink without running into another couple now preparing for a wedding two days after graduation.

However, the thing that really gets me is that rings are so boring. Professional jewelry has sharp, soulless edges that get caught on sweaters. And if you're anything like me, any ring on my fingers tends to migrate during the day to every other digit, whether it fits or not. Plus, they can fall off, or be taken off for some innocuous reason and then forgotten. And let's not forget the story that pops up every week in the news about how some poor schmuck's ring was dropped into rock/eaten by poodles/lost down the garbage disposal.

Obvious solution? Propose with something else.

1. A necklace. If you are so fixated on the idea of jewelry that you have nothing more original to do, at least consider that necklaces have more design potential, and they can have larger designs. If you really want to get the message across, get one of those personalized word necklaces with the word "ENGAGED" on it.

If you feel that that it doesn't quite convey all the meaning a traditional ring might, add a few more words so that you can capture it exactly, like "NOW ENGAGED" or "GETTING MARRIED LOOK AT MY BLING." If you find a talented wire jewelry artist, you might be able to forgo the necklace altogether and have your entire love story turned into chain mail.

2. Books. Why wait until you're married to start that family Bible? Give her a giant 20-pound leather-bound monstrosity with your genealogies already written in! If that doesn't symbolize commitment, nothing does.

If that doesn't suit your taste, find a nice edition of something that symbolizes your relationship. Pride and Prejudice to remind each other how much you totally hated each other at first! Twilight because of all the Facebook stalking you did before getting together! The Metamorphosis to prepare for the day when you wake up with a giant cockroach in bed with you! (Recommended for couples who live in Hawaii.)

3. Marbles. Perfect for artistic couples, this engagement gift will be an ongoing and live demonstration of your life together. Once you both exchange marbles, it won't matter how hard you try to keep track of them. They'll be spilled, stepped on, and ultimately lost. If this catches on, retirement homes can have competitions wherein residents can boast of how many marbles they haven't lost after X years of marriage!

4. Glitter. If you are still stuck on the idea of something shiny, choose glitter. Dump a couple gallons on both of you: it won't come off completely for a while, and you'll be shiny like a diamond without spending thousands of dollars!

Bonus: this automatically decorates your engagement spot for use in the engagement photos you'll spam Facebook with (outdoor proposals recommended).

5. Kittens. Inanimate objects are all well and good, but you're proposing that the two of you spend your life together--and people can be a lot harder to get along with than hunks of rock. Plus, what if you have kids? The best way to address this in your initial proposal is by giving him a kitten.

Similar to how you can tell a lot about a person by seeing how he treats waitstaff and retail clerks, you can tell a lot about how your beloved will be to live with by looking at this kitten. If it is starving, missing limbs, or dead, you might want to reconsider. And call the animal cops, which should also satisfy your post-breakup need for nasty things to happen.

If that doesn't happen, either you'll each have a cat to add to your family leading to hours of cuddling and entertainment, or since the cats have a good chance of outlasting your marriage, a built-in purr-machine to assuage your broken soul!

6. Teacups. This is what you're looking for in an engagement symbol. Elegant. Traditional. Comes in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors. Has a practical purpose, but is easily put on display. Perfect for use in both the wedding and anniversary celebrations!You don't have to mortgage your house to buy a nice one. And since it has a handle, if you really want to, you can wear it on your finger. If you were crazy.

Engagement teacups: best idea, or bestest idea?

The Most Ridiculous Baby Name Book Ever: Part III

If you've already read parts One and Two, you know that 40,001 Best Baby Names displays a remarkable insanity before you even get to the actual name listings. And if you're like me, you'd think that except for many containing some of the names in the lists, a name dictionary can't really go wrong.

And then you remember that this is the book that suggests Dusky-Dream as a name, giving its origin as "invented." It would like you to believe that "dusky" means "dreamy" (it doesn't), so the book wants you to name your daughter "dreamy dream."

Fun with names: according to the book, another female American name that means "dreamy" is Fog, so presumably you should feel free to name her Dusky-Fog or maybe Fog-Dream.

Admittedly, it would be hard to find fault with a lot of the names listed simply because it's normal for name books to contain names that would seldom be used, either because they're out of date (Eustace) or just aren't a real choice (Agamemnon).

The book is full of "American" names--that is, names with American origins, as opposed to Scottish or Arabic. And that can be legitimate: the name Colleen, for example, although quintessentially Irish, is not a name in its country of origin; it's a term for a young girl. So I'm not going to pretend that there are not names that are unique to or more common in America.

But then you have names that are deemed "American," and assigned a meaning with no reference, which makes no sense because America is a nation of immigrants. Will someone please tell me how "Ajay" (A.J.) came to mean "spontaneous"? Other "American" names include:
Cowboy (male; "western")
Curb (m, "word as a name; dynamic")
Dearon (m; "dear one")
Devender (m; "poetic")
Dobes (m; "unassuming")
Dravey (m; "groovy")
Gaddis (m; "hard to please, picky")
Kyzer (m; "wild spirit")
Momo (m; "rascal") It doesn't tell you it's actually Japanese for peach.
Orenthiel (m; "sturdy as a pine")
Phex (m; "kind")
Poogie, Pookie (m; "snuggly")
Skeetz (m; "zany")
Trocky (m; "manly")
Wize (m; "smart") and Wyze (m; "sizzle, capable")
Beige (female; "simple; calm") and Beige-Dawn ("clear morning")
Bootsey (f; "cowgirl")
Chessteen (f; "needed")
Essence (f; "ingenious")
Fluffy (f; "fun-loving")
Fushy (f; "animated; vivid")
Gregory (f (!); "scholarly") Note that in the boy's section, Gregory is a Greek name that means "cautious."
J-Nyl (f; "flirtatious")
Meashley (f; "charmer")
Nurlene (f; "boisterous")
Poodle (f; "dog; froufrou girl" )
Schmoopie (f; "baby; sweetie")
Wood (f; "smooth talker")
Yuette (f; "capable")
Zoom (f; "energetic")

Other names deemed "American" are actually combinations of other names, with meanings assigned to the combination with no apparent regard for what the original names meant. Try these on for size:
Hughdonald (m; "combo of Hugh and Donald; southern." Hugh="intelligent," Donald="powerful; world leader")
Jathan (m; "combo of Jake and Nathan; attractive." Jake, from Jacob="replacement; best boy," Nathan="magnanimous")
Johnny-Dodd (m; "country sheriff")
Rajoseph (m; "combo of Ra and Joseph." Ra has no entry, Joseph="asset")
Tedwayne (m; "combo of Ted and Wayne, friendly." Ted, from Theodore="a blessing," Wayne="wheeler-dealer")
AthaSue (f; "combo of Atha and Sue; sweet and discriminating." Atha has no entry, Sue="lily")
Caykee (f; "combo of Cay and Kee; lively." Cay has no entry, Kee has no entry although "Keekee" is American and means "dancing." Apparently this is different from "Kiki," which is both Spanish and American and means "vivacious")
Deandralina (f; "combo of Deandra and Lina; divine seer." Deandra="combo of Sandra ("protective") and Deanna ("divine girl"); Lina="light of spirit")
Jo-Allene (f; "combo of Jo and Allene; effervescent." Jo ("from Josephine")="spunky," although Josephine="blessed;" Allene="wonderful")
Maryalice ("friendly"), Maryann ("special"), Mary-Catherine ("outgoing"), Mary-Elizabeth ("kind"), Marykate ("splendid"), Marykay ("adorned"), Mary-Lou ("athletic"), Mary-Marg ("dramatic"), Mary-Margaret ("dramatic, kind"), Marypat ("easygoing"), Marysue ("country girl")
Michaelannette ("combo of Michael and Annette; spirited")

If you're sick of Mary-Anything right now, consider that I did you a favor and left out all the Mari-Names and Marie-Names.

And the insanity doesn't stop there. You may remember, from Part Two, the inclusion of a list of "made-up names." If that list wasn't enough for you, here are a handful of the names with no cultural background; they're just listed as "invented" although that apparently doesn't stop them from having definite meanings.
Delete  (m; "ordinary")
Jadall (m; "punctual")
Jagit (m; "brisk")
Kelts (m; "energetic")
Odisoose (m; "invented form of Odysseus")
Chinadoll (f; "fun")
Crispy (f; "fun-loving; zany")
Dijonaise (f; "condiments; combo of Dijon and mayonnaise")
Likiana (f; "likeable")
Rockella (f; "rocker")

These barely skim the surface of what's contained within the seemingly-innocuous pages of the 40,001 Best Baby Names. It's the most baffling collection you may ever read. However, I'm sure it (and its successors of 50,0001 and 60,001 names) has its uses: announce that your twins are going to be Tankie Austeena ("big" and "statuesque") and Swoosie Tygie-Jimbo ("unique" and "energetic"-"cowhand"), and when they're born and you announce what the names really are, no one will complain. Ever.

Part I, An Introduction: Just in Case You Wanted You Child to Have a Death-Row Name
Part II, The Lists Get Weirder: Afrodytee is Much Easier to Pronounce than Aphrodite

The Most Ridiculous Baby Name Book Ever: Part II

Previously in Part I, we were introduced to the mind-boggling ridiculousness that is 40,001 Best Baby Names and its unexplained, random lists that make up the first fifty pages (not counting the introductions with helpful information telling you how to change your name, that the name Erica is evil, and interviews with people telling you how much she loved being a Jennifer, or how traumatizing the name Wendy is). And yet the lists go on.

Sure, you have the prerequisite "[country] names for boys/girls" (although Asia gets lumped together--good luck if you wanted more than one Thai name), and for the worried parent it helpfully lists "names that get shortened" (where else would Lucretia and Nanette be put together, or Wilfredo and Augustus?), but how about "girl names that spawn nasty nicknames"? She earlier introduced earlier to her female friend Christopher, unfortunately saddled with a distinctly male name, so that name is on the list, along with Dusky-Dream, Hermione, Lesbia, Scarlett, and Winifred. I'm not even sure where Lesbia came from--it's not listed in the book's actual name listings AT ALL. And Dusky-Dream?

Dusky: (invented) dreamy;

Dusky-Dream: (invented) dreamy; Duskee-Dream (alternative spelling)

 WHY.

Debbie-Jean and Fluffy are "girlie-girl names"; Glanville, Jaden, Maureen, and Hilary are "so over";  Cherry-Sue, Galaxy, Snooks, and Boots "make you smile"; Bryton, Derlin, and Alexakai are "made-up" (which begs the question: why are they here?); Ned, Arden, Ethel, Corinna, Irene, and Polly are "old-fashioned...[but] cute again"; Bebe, Fluffy, Pal, and Rabbit are "for playful personalities"; and along with Gwyneth and Roosevelt, Don Quixote, Bjork, and Karalenae (defined as "a combination of Kara and Lenae") are "overpowering."

I want to ask questions: what does "overpowering" mean, because there's a lot of different between Penelope and Deja-Marie. Why are "made-up" names included? Is "make you smile" some secret code for "try not to laugh at the poor person who was named by their 4-year-old sibling who really just wanted a puppy"?

I keep thinking I should be done with the lists, but things keep popping up. Specifically, two lists: "alternative spellings for boy/girl names you can't pronounce" and "Boy/girl names for children of lesbians and gays".

Please let that sink in.

In the first category, we have Dameetree, Malla-Ki, and Playtoh for the boys (Dmitri, Malachi, and Plato respectively), and Alaygrah, Sheelyah,  and Tateeahna for the girls (Allegra, Shelia, and Tatianna). Sure, if you name your child "Bouvier" there's going to be confusion (avoid that with the lovely Booveeay), but how many people have trouble with Monique (Moneek) or Dana (Dayna, which isn't too bad as a name itself except for the implication that Dana is a horribly difficult name to figure out)?

The entire reason I picked up this book was because of this last list, names for children of lesbians and gays. Surely, I thought, there must be some rationalization, some sort of explanation. Perhaps these are the names of people dominant in the history of gay rights, or current activists, or it turns out that Alex actually means "likes to kiss other boys" or something.

Nope.

I have no idea where this list came from. There's no explanation, it might as well be "names of people who checked out this library book before I did" or "list of people whose favorite color is puce." Because I don't know about Bevan and Noel, but Spencer, Ethan, and the aforementioned Alex are fairly wide-reaching. And maybe I don't know that many Glorias, Annabelles, and Ramonas, but I'm pretty sure that the many Ambers and Jessicas I've met don't all have same-sex parents.

I keep looking at this thinking, surely there is some semblance of reason in here. Surely there is invisible ink explaining this. And there's not. And it's hilarious.

Part III, We Finally Reach the Name Listings: Meashley, Yu-crazy
Part I, An Introduction: Just in Case You Wanted You Child to Have a Death-Row Name

The Most Ridiculous Baby Name Book Ever: Part I

Let's talk about names. Specifically, let's talk about stupid names, and the crazy people who like them.

I think most people are aware that baby names are Serious Bizness. A literal one, actually, if you care to google "baby name consultant." It's also well-established at this point that celebrities are crazy (everyone decided we don't like Blue Ivy's name, right? We're all in agreement here?), and that parents seem to increasingly want unique names--or unique spellings of names--to make their baby stand out.

This isn't about that. Not really. It's not really about sticking 'Y' into random spots it doesn't belong ("Magnyfye Beard," anyone?), and it's not about using real words for names even when it sounds stupid ("If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned Barebone"), because that's been going on forever: you can thank the Puritans for these lovely examples (although think of the nickname potential of the second!).

No, this is about the names that are so far out there that the only way you could come up with them is if you were drunk. Or insane. And then you gathered them all in a book of lists to to help 1) other crazy people like yourself or 2) easily-fooled people who will believe you when you say that yes, Blaze (or Ophelia, or Fluffy) is an "over-the-top girl name to avoid", why not use Olga (or Queen, or Treece) from the "names for future architects" list?

If you are, indeed, looking for that crazy, you have found it in 40,001 Best Baby Names.

I own quite a few name books, ostensibly because I wanted to have them on hand when I was in creative writing classes, mostly because I took naming my Pokemon team seriously. Most books follow a similar format. They give you names, tell you what country/language it came from, and usually include any relevant history, like that Jezebel might not have the best connotations, or that Gwyneth Paltrow used Apple as her daughter's name. Sometimes they even have lists on the side, collections of virtue names or  mythological name.

This has that. Kinda. It also has sheer ridiculousness and is apparently based on the author's opinions, which is how you end up with a list for each sex of "names that give you a leg up in life" without any explanation. Why, does everyone automatically love a Celeste? Have Merits been statistically shown to be high earners? Does a Gus get better gas mileage than Ambrose (from the "burdensome boy names" list)?

I don't know. There are 75 lists, and while some are what you'd expect (the "top XX of [decade] is required, by law, to be in every name book ever),  many are just there on the page, BAM, waiting to take you by surprise.

"Why," you might ask upon reading it, "why is Adelaide on the 'scary/creepy' list? Why can't a teacher be expected to pronounce Aisha, Seth, Camilla, or Artemus? Exactly how will naming my son Britt, Gus, or London make him popular?

"Why is Gavin or Justine a 'comfy name', and how do you know that my child will 'like having' it? Will giving her the name Liberty, Harmony, or Rain really make my daughter 'feel weird'? How will I know far enough in advance if my child will be an 'eccentric' to name her/him Galatea, Echo, LaRue, or Webb? If I don't name him Shiloh or Jan-Erik does that mean I don't think my son is 'handsome'?"

And at that point, you will stop asking questions either because your brain broke or because you turned it into a game and decided to spam your friends' Facebook pages ("Hey Aileen, congrats, you share your name with a death-row inmate!").

(I think it's fairly obvious what I did. And yes, there are two lists for "bad-to-the-bone death-row names," because combing the sexes into a single list just wouldn't be enough.)

It's so ridiculous that you have to wonder what was going through the author's mind when she wrote it. She never gives you any clue as to what her criteria for a "powerful" name is, so good luck figuring out why Elizabeth, Greta, Pace, Pilar, and Wiley (or Angus, Jon, Lamar, Nash, and Quentin) are sharing the spotlight.


Part II, The Lists Get Weirder: Afrodytee is Much Easier to Pronounce than Aphrodite
Part III, We Finally Reach the Name Listings: Meashley, Yu-crazy

Kato's First Haunted House

Let it be said up front that I don't do scary. I love surprises and roller coasters, but I'm a total wimp when it comes to traditionally-scary stuff like blood and scary movies. I'm so much of a wimp that I a) can't even look at someone else's paper cut and b)had to stop watching Ghost Rider in the first ten minutes.

But it happened the the first-ever haunted house on campus took place in the boy's dorm, and Lee-sister needed someone to go with because she had friends who were taking part. It took place in the boys' dorm, you had had to go into the suites of rooms, then back out again. At some points it might have been the intention that you were so scared you would run out. I'm not entirely sure.

*Silent creepy man points into first suite*
Me: Lee, I can't see. Can you see?
Lee: I think that's the point.
Girl in creepy makeup: *Silently walks right into me trying to stare me down
Me: Nice mascara.
Girl: *Looks askance*

Girl in next suite: SCREEEEEAAAAAAM
Lee and Me: Our ears are bleeding, if that was your goal.

Strobe light: FLICKER FLICKER FLICKER FLICKER FLICKER

Guide to next floor carrying lamp: *Walks quickly*
Me: There is a real fear that I will slip and kill myself because I cannot see the stairs anymore, Mr. Quickfeet. Do you want another exhibit, huh? Do you?

Fake blood on the closed-in maze walls that is not dry: We like your fancy coat!
Me: Crap.

Man with chainsaw: *chases*
Lee and Me: *walks*
Man with chainsaw: Man, they weren't even scared.

Chainsaw Man gave up after ten feet of rrrrrwwwwww-ing two inches from our backs, and his comment made everything worth it.

It was a well-put-together event, and I'm pretty sure that people who have normal brains reacted the way they were supposed to because I heard a lot of screaming and giggling and at least once group just screamed and ran down the hallway without even getting to the parts where they actually try to scare you.

And that's how I learned that Kayt > haunted houses.

What To Expect if We Ever Live Together

The verbal parts of today's post are taken verbatim from real events. This post is sponsored by my very patient roommate, Roomie the Crushinator, who did not write this but I'm pretty sure this is what she was thinking when this ocurred.
-----------------------
I'm sitting at at my computer trying to keep up with the rent from Cityville on Facebook and the crops demanding that I pick them right now. It's a good thing that I don't have class until noon tomorrow--or, technically, today, since it's nearly 1 am and I'm not even tired.

Our room is divided with our desks back-to-back, so I can't see Kayt, but she's been fairly quiet for the last hour. Apparently there's a big test tomorrow and she just now started studying after running around like a chicken with her head cut off squawking about all the other things she has due tomorrow, which apparently she forgot about until right now. Not that I'm surprised.

Marvo the Magician is demanding facilities in my town when I hear signs of life again.

"What do you think Jesus' DNA was like?"

A pause, presumeably to allow me to answer, goes unfilled because I'm still wondering where this came from.

"Like, was it all Mary's DNA with...a Y chromosome or something? Is that even possible?"

...Nope, still bemused.

"Or, I guess since that implies sperm and egg and sex and stuff, did he not share DNA with anyone?"

I venture that in my mind, he probably looked like a male version of Mary. Maybe.

"And what about Adam and Eve?"

I don't know, I tell her. It's 1 am and she has a test she should be studying for. From what I recall of her gripes, it has to do more with a bunch of dead Latin people than with biblical characters.

"Fine," she mutters, leaving me to wonder if she's really the same age I am.

...

"Hey, C?"

Maybe she's just thinking about our choir class tomorrow...

Nope.

"If different Christian denominations were embodied and there was a big photo of them all--like a family reunion photograph or something--what do you think it'd be like? Like, Nazarenes and Methodists and some Baptists would be all hugging each other and cheesin' it up for the camera, and pentacostal and charismatic churches would be partying in the middle, and Eastern Orthodoxy would be peeking in the windows..."

Kayt's image collection seems quite appropriate right now.

Inside the Head of a College Student, a Year-By-Year Look

As you probably guessed, I'm back for my last year at this wonderful university. It seems strange to think that three years ago I was one of the youngest people on campus, and I was simultaneously feeling horrifically excited thinking that I was now a cool college kid and scared stiff of all the upperclassmen.

It's strange to look back and see how different we all are. People who have left, married, or just plain changed. To look at my goals that first year, what I thought I was going to do, and to look at what I'm doing now. To know the things that I would never have believed three years ago (professors can totally tell when you're not actually taking notes on your laptop. Naps are a gift from God).

So I wrote this. Obviously it doesn't fit everyone, as my freshman sister Chameleon Head  and her friends are perfectly nice, mostly-non-squealing people. But I can laugh, because this was me and my friends.

This makes me laugh every time I see it. 

Although it'd be soda cans at my school.

Freshman year: Y'all, we are so cool right now. High school is so last year. We are college students. Independent. Adult. And my freshman intro-class group people are totally all my BFFs! And--OMG they're dating each other? No, wait, they broke up? And I sit between them...this is awkward. This is awesome! I know everyone! Plus, the whole "not being in school for eight straight hours" rocks. Wait, those are seniors? They don't look anything like me! Geez, it's like they don't even know that Hot Topic exists. Mom, Dad, I just turned in my first college paper ever! It was like six pages and it's awesome. What's this 'B' about? Don't you know how hard I worked on it?

Sophomore year: Hello, dorm room, I've missed you and your cinderblock walls. Hey, I still have to go to the dorm meeting? But I learned all this last year! It's so nice to see all these people I recognize. I don't recognize you--you must be a freshman! Let me explain everything to you. Seniors don't seem so scary, I even know the names of a few. I'm so excited to be getting into my major classes! Doubleyew-tee-eff is this I HATE MY MAJOR. PANIC TIME. Oh, cafeteria, you never change. Your desserts look less tempting than last year, though. Maybe I'll only have two cookies this time.

Junior year: This is weird, half my friends are living in the upperclassmen apartments. Can you believe we're halfway done? Oh, freshmen as suitemates...sure, honey, tone it down a little. I realize you get one chance a week to have guy friends come over, as per dorm rules, but you'll notice the rest of the floor can manage to do so without screaming contests. Kinda weird, I haven't met a bunch of these new kids. On the plus side, my new major rocks. This was definitely the right choice. Bonus: I know most of the people in classes. Group projects=win. Pre-registering for my senior year--wow, this seems impossible. And so many of my friends are graduating--lunch is going to be way more boring without you, guys!

This would be useful now, please.

Senior year: Helloooo, apartment, goodbyeee, dorm room. You know, these posters I've had for the last few years don't really appeal to me anymore, but I'm liking the antique look for the walls. Oh wow, there's no way I could wear that to an internship. Thank goodness for thrift stores and student discounts (which I won't be able to use soon--woah, paradigm shift). Who are all these little, squealing people running around campus? Do I know any of you? And must you be making a loud and obvious show of how free and independent you are in the five minutes you have left before curfew? Everyone in my classes has been here for years, it's pretty sweet. We need to recruit new members for Extracurricular Club, though, since all the officers are graduating this year. Speaking of graduation, this paper is really not that important, unlike certain things involving looking for jobs. I think I'm ready to be out of here. I am definitely not ready to be out of here.

Dear Europe, We Have a Problem

Dear Europe,
I understand that America used to look to you for the latest fashions. You were the jocks and the cheerleaders and preps all rolled into one and we were the dorks with braces wearing Barney sweaters. It's been a while, though, and for everyday clothing we can all agree that we've got a pretty good handle on things and both sides of the ocean are cool and stuff, right?

But apparently, you've started to run out of ideas, but since everyone knows that Americans still aren't the cool kids in the High School of Anthropomorphic World Nations you couldn't look at anything we're wearing right now. Oh, no. But apparently 1989 is a perfectly fine place to look, possibly because  you're assuming that Vanilla Ice was not, in fact, famous, and no one remembers parachute pants.


Because that is exactly what you have decided is the Hot New Thing, sort of like someone decided to convert their sweat pants into leggings starting at the bottom but gave up halfway through. Did we decide that the gangster pants-falling-down look is actually cool and the crotch needs to be at our knees, but showing our undies is still out?

Even worse are the ones--harem pants, which all of them are but those other ones are really parachute pants whether you want to admit it or not--which  make you look like you're wearing an upside-down mushroom with leg holes. Europe has a lot of stairs, do you enjoy having to pick up your pants every time you come to them? You've got the awkwardness of a long skirt without the ability to pick it up off the bathroom floor when you use the restroom. Did you ever think of that?

I know that you are confused, Europe. I know you are confused because of all the crazy things you have, like having to pay for restrooms and peanut-butter-flavored Cheetos. I can only assume this is because you are thousands of years old and therefore a senile old coot compared to a teenage America, with its Lady Googoo and whatnot, so I suppose in that respect there are a lot of worse things you could be trying.

Still, you should stop, because things can only get worse from here. What's next, that hair?

A Church Service, As Seen Through Kayto's Brain

1) Pay attention to welcome, announcements, greeting, and everything up to the songs.
2) Sing songs.
3) Try to find harmony.
4) Fail.

An approximation of our pew

5) Sing off-key in hopes that there is harmony in there somewhere.
6) Sit down.
7) Stand up.
8) Sit down again. Start to contemplate church-service aerobics.

And 1, and 2, and praaaaise the Lord!

9) Oh shoot, we're praying! Attempt to pay attention.
10) Hmmm. There are pen marks on the pew in front of me.
11) Toddler? Or just bored people?
12) I think this one looks like an iguana.
13) Oh, yeah. Amen.
14) Thirty seconds into the sermon, notice that the PowerPoint (which involves a circle and a cross getting progressively closer to the center) resembles a radar screen.
15) I wonder, if Jesus comes back flying, would he show up on radar?
16) I bet aliens would show up on radar.
17) Epiphany! Preacher-man looks like my religion professor! Maybe they're secretly related.
18) On the front of the bulletin, there is a picture of the church. Draw aliens landing on it.

19) Preacher-guy is illustrating a point using Dennis the Menace. This is relevant to my interests.
20) Oooh, attendance. I commandeer it and write all of our names using the Momster's last name instead of our own, just because.
21) When she rolls her eyes, point out that this is better than writing everyone's names backwards, which I prefer. Backwards and upside-down.
22) Praying? Again? Oh, dismissed. Can we have Mexican for lunch?