Friday, August 5, 2011

I Bring All the Creeps to the Yard

I don't mind telling you that people generally don't try to hit on me in the U.S. It happens seldom and that is awesome, because strangers talking to me out of nowhere strikes me as strange. Really? You want to get to know me? Based on what, how I was daydreaming and walked into the door? Or something? I should warn you that there is a precedent in my family for assaulting men who do not take no for an answer, and I am incredibly eager to carry on that tradition.

So, anyway, I don't actually have to deal with that much. But apparently I am very attractive to all the creepers in Germany.

This first time, it was strange, but otherwise okay. I'm walking to the uni alone, there's no one else on the sidewalk because it's a quiet sort of place, and a car honks at me. I look up to see a guy so old his grandchildren probably have grandchildren looking at me from his car, and keep walking. He doesn't wave but isn't clearly angry, so maybe he just wanted to say hi. Hi.

Another time, I'm with my friend in Am Sande at the bus stop. Now since this is the city center, there are plenty of other people milling around. We're talking--not loudly, but normal conversation level so you could hear us if you wanted to--about GERMAN and OMG THE CASHIER UNDERSTOOD ME FOR ONCE. All of a sudden, I hear this:

"You are a beautiful woman."

You are probably reading that saying, "There is nothing wrong with that sentence. In fact, whoever said that had excellent taste and I am very interested in this person. Kayto maybe you just have issues or something." If you are saying that, then I'm sorry, but this is the adult equivalent of DON'T TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS. DON'T TAKE COMPLIMENTS FROM STREET-CREEPERS. Drugs are probably involved in both, and you're too old to be on the side of a milk carton this time.

I look up, because words were very stilted and enunciated, and a guy in his thirties is walking slowly about five feet away from us. He looks like this:
Except he's male, decades older, and grungy. But strangely, his expression is the same: You would look more beautiful if there were knives and blood involved.

Then he circled us, like he was trying not to look like he was circling us but forgot to go out the, like, twenty more feet that would need to be convincing, and met up with his friend who was standing near us, and they walked away, looking back over their shoulders, presumably to see if we were so impressed. Yes, sir, I love it when smirking potential ax murderers show off their English.

Today I met Creeper #3. I'm heading for the bus stop in Am Sande when someone near me says something in German. This causes me to look up because I when I walk my main goal is to not fall. Not falling involves a concentrated effort on my part to look directly at the ground in front of me because FEET that's why.

Mr. Man repeats himself, saying that it's hot out. It's not, but sure, I'll agree. People in Germany generally don't make small talk with strangers, presumably because they collectively realized one that that no one really cares.

But Mr. Man is all ready with the small talk. I don't speak much German? Oh, where do I come from? America! He comes from Turkey, let's shake hands! Am I studying here? Where am I staying?
Haha, no. I gesture vaguely in five directions, like, yeah, there's a building somewhere in one of them that probably holds my stuff. Maybe. It's a magical building that you can't find. My German has miraculously disappeared at this point and oh, what's that? You're asking about my house again? I'm sorry to tell you that despite the German and English being identical, I have no idea what you're saying!

Oh? Trinken? Did you miss the part where now I no speaky the Deutsch? Unfortunately, since you're using gestures again, I can clearly understand that you want me to join you for a drink. Unfortunately for you, you are twice my age--WHY CAN'T THE CREEPERS BE WITHIN A DECADE OF ME WHY--and also attempting to pick up a uni girl off the street. Who you can't even talk to. You'll note that I still remember the word for no. Emphatically.

Yeah, that's right, you better keep walking. I've got my eye on you and I am totally ready to go all Chuck Norris on you. In my self defense refresher course last year, we were sadly not allowed to use real people when we practiced things like breaking noses and kicking groins and popping eyeballs like grapes, but if you're willing to volunteer yourself, it'd be rude to say no.

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