Dear Europe, We Have a Problem

Dear Europe,
I understand that America used to look to you for the latest fashions. You were the jocks and the cheerleaders and preps all rolled into one and we were the dorks with braces wearing Barney sweaters. It's been a while, though, and for everyday clothing we can all agree that we've got a pretty good handle on things and both sides of the ocean are cool and stuff, right?

But apparently, you've started to run out of ideas, but since everyone knows that Americans still aren't the cool kids in the High School of Anthropomorphic World Nations you couldn't look at anything we're wearing right now. Oh, no. But apparently 1989 is a perfectly fine place to look, possibly because  you're assuming that Vanilla Ice was not, in fact, famous, and no one remembers parachute pants.


Because that is exactly what you have decided is the Hot New Thing, sort of like someone decided to convert their sweat pants into leggings starting at the bottom but gave up halfway through. Did we decide that the gangster pants-falling-down look is actually cool and the crotch needs to be at our knees, but showing our undies is still out?

Even worse are the ones--harem pants, which all of them are but those other ones are really parachute pants whether you want to admit it or not--which  make you look like you're wearing an upside-down mushroom with leg holes. Europe has a lot of stairs, do you enjoy having to pick up your pants every time you come to them? You've got the awkwardness of a long skirt without the ability to pick it up off the bathroom floor when you use the restroom. Did you ever think of that?

I know that you are confused, Europe. I know you are confused because of all the crazy things you have, like having to pay for restrooms and peanut-butter-flavored Cheetos. I can only assume this is because you are thousands of years old and therefore a senile old coot compared to a teenage America, with its Lady Googoo and whatnot, so I suppose in that respect there are a lot of worse things you could be trying.

Still, you should stop, because things can only get worse from here. What's next, that hair?